Our experience in the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU) started about 26 hours after Islay was born. For those who have been fortunate enough not to have been in a SCBU, there are 3 levels of care, going from most serious to least, its red zone, blue zone and green zone.
The red zone is for those babies who require very intensive treatment which includes ventilation and the sickest babies who are fighting for their lives. The blue zone is for those who require a high level of support form staff and intervention which can include complex procedures and the green zone is for those who tend to require assistance with less complex matters like feeding or those who are working towards discharge.
I am not trying to minimise anyone's experience of the zones and this is merely my impressions of what happens in each area.
Islay was initially taken into the green zone in an open cot and I was told that it was to monitor her feeding and to check on how she is getting on.. now I was panicked.. looking bad maybe other parents wouldn't have been so.. but to me.. 26 hours post partem from a horrible labour and a prem baby.. it was all a bit much.. it was such a relief when Gordon arrived. I was already completely drained and exhausted. She had some monitoring done (blood tests etc) but the nurse reassured me that it was ok.
Gordon ordered me back to the ward at about 2 in the morning with me almost falling asleep in the chair and they said that they would call me if anything changed and Gordon said that he would not leave her bedside.. I tried to rest but in a ward with other mummies with their babies and the worry I just couldn't. I went back 2 hours later and found that she had been moved.. she had been re-graded up to the blue zone and was suddenly in an incubator and had a lot of wires and monitors on.. she had a drip and was now under a big blue lamp with a visor protecting her delicate face, her treatment for jaundice. To me, this was devastating.. it felt like control had been taken away from my hands and things had very quickly turned. I was told that I couldn't hold her. Being told that is a feeling I wouldn't ever want a parent to feel.. all i could do was sit by the incubator and put my hand through the little windows on the side. That day.. I remember crying.. ALOT!!
Minutes.. turned into hours on the ward.. we were now in the SCBU bubble.. a world of unknown feelings.. unknown outcomes.. listening to the rhythmic noises coming from the monitors and then the occasional excessive beeping when a monitor fell off one of the babies. It was a world like no other I have ever experienced.. and wouldn't want to again.
The staff were all incredible.. one thing that struck me was the positive but realistic answers you got from the nurses and doctors on the ward.. any issues you had they would sit down with you and explain.. any procedures.. they would tell you the reasons and the possible outcomes.. I knew that she was receiving the best care but at the same time I constantly had the overwhelming urge to pick her up and run from the ward.. I just wanted to protect her and I felt like I couldn't.
We had 24 hour access to SCBU and I was still an in-patient on the ward so each night Gordon would go home and I would keep going back in the middle of the night several times.. I couldn't sleep.. it was a blur of post partem emotions and trying to get through each day.
Islay was drip fed, treated by UV light for jaundice and then had a contrast x-ray whilst on the unit. They were increasingly concerned why she hadn't had a poo since being born and the x-ray revealed that she had meconium plug disorder and the bowel after the obstruction was narrowed meaning that she may need to have surgery. Staring down at a 2 day old baby with someone telling you that is another layer of emotion.. we were like onions with layers and layers of stress and anxiety and worry being added the more we were there.
Our experience was, and always will be, unique to us. It's our story.. it was our journey.. the three of us. The emotions of it won't leave me, the feelings of what happened.. the noises.. the smells of the ward.. of the nappy sacks.. the routines.. it stays with you.. thinking about it now can send me into a cold sweat.
Nothing that happened to us was 'typical'.. it was not how I wanted it to be.. it was not my perfect water birth with a bit of gas and air and that beautiful moment when you hold your lovely baby on your chest when they are born.. when they feed for the first time.. we had none of that. Our experience was scary.. it was stressful.. when we left SCBU a little piece of us was left there.. the walls of SCBU hold the memories of the parents and babies who have passed through... some there for a few hours or a few days and some there for months and months.. we all have a unique bond and have felt those unknown feelings.
The point of this blog was not to put a downer on what I am doing but to explain, to allow people to explore what happened with us so that you can understand why I am doing what I am doing..
Part III will be about how the Tiny Lives Trust fit into our journey and what it is that makes them special.
Thank you for reading my blog and the continued support.
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